Boomers Press

Baby Boomers’ Guide to the Afterlife

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This audiobook option downloads 11 mp3 files. Your mp3 reader does not remember where you stopped listening, and will start each file from the beginning of the file.

CONTENTS

Pros and cons of getting old

Acknowledgements

Preface

Introduction 

Chapter 1.  Better for me?

Chapter 2.  Better for my family and friends?

Chapter 3.  Better for everyone else?

Chapter 4.  Why is it so hard? 

Chapter 5.  Why does stuff die? 

Chapter 6.  Right or privilege? 

Chapter 7.  How can a Boomer prepare? 

Chapter 8.  Why & how do Boomers do it?

References 

Index

About the book

At some point in our lives we all have to face the fact that we are not immortal, that the Grim Reaper is waiting in the wings.  He always gets us in the end, but we usually have a little time to prepare, a little time to adjust to the inevitable.  This book by Dr. Brownell is meant to be a guide to better deal with the issues that confront us as the Reaper closes in.

Fortunately, getting old isn’t all bad.  This excerpt from the Baby Boomers’ Guide to the Afterlife summarizes the principal pros and cons:

PROS AND CONS OF GETTING OLD

First the pros…

Meatloaf, rare
Medicare
Discount fare
Rocking chair

Solitaire
Laissez faire
Folks don’t care
   what you wear

Now the cons…

Trick knees
Heart disease
Ill at ease
Where’s my keys?

Glaucoma
Lymphoma
Melanoma
Persistent coma

Hysterectomy
Radical mastectomy
Take that pill
   rectally

Asphyxia
Dyslexia
Anorexia
Dyspepsia

Diarrhea
Emphysema
Gotta find a
   panacea

Failing vision
Can’t hardly see
I accidentally
   drank my pee

Unpaid loans
Handicap zones
Kidney stones
Moans and groans

Embarrassing fits
Ugly zits
Droopy tits
Call it quits

Bad mood
Decrepitude
Tasteless food
The nurse is rude

Stand in line
Curved spine
Mental decline
Not a good sign

Took a fall
Can’t hardly crawl
Way too much
   cholesterol

Bad circulation
Defibrillation
Irradiation
No explanation

Blue hair
Bath chair
Can’t get air
They don’t care

Went to probate
Forced to arbitrate
Had to liquidate
Lost the estate

Urinalysis
Paralysis
Callouses
Dialysis

Pancreatitis
Tonsillitis
Gastritis
Dermatitis

Cirrhosis
Halitosis
And osteo
   porosis

Hypertension
Need more pension
Total lack of
   comprehension

Elimination
Dehydration
Macular
   degeneration

Memory loss
White sauce
No teeth for
   dental floss

Bad complexion
Graft rejection
Chronic yeast
   infection

Need carbohydrate
But I’m overweight
Would appreciate
  what the others ate

Worn out livers
Recurring shivers
What happened to
  my care givers?

Palpitations
Aggravations
Why’ve I got
  hallucinations?

Encephalitis
Hepatitis
Bronchitis
And sinusitis

Pancreatitis
Myocarditis
Polychondritis
Chronic nephritis

Migraine
Varicose vein
Chronic pain
Need a new brain

Urgency
Emergency
More useless
   surgery

Dry eyes
No exercise
I apologize
  for attracting flies

Loud snore
Bed sore
Fell on the floor
Can’t take no more

Pathology
Oncology
Refer me to
   gerontology

Maturity
Obscurity
Need more
   Social Security

Irrational fear
I can’t hear
Head not clear
Swallow this, dear

Ostracized
Patronized
They realized
I’m not organized

Getting thin
Flaky skin
Loony bin
Where’s my kin?

Osteoarthritis
Acute cystitis
Not to mention
  meningitis

High anxiety
No variety
Dependent on
   the Great Society

Not in the formulary
Second coronary
Cholesterol’s
   extraordinary

Sore jaws
Menopause
Won’t someone
   change my gauze?

First nauseated
Then asphyxiated
Nearly terminated
But then resuscitated

Chocolate mousse
Dentures are loose
Elder abuse
Drink your juice

Hot flash
Retinas detach
Diaper rash
Try not to scratch

Angioplasty
Smelling nasty
That’s not all,
I’m looking ghastly

Ear wax
Can’t relax
Death tax
Cataracts

Therapy
Green tea
Excuse me
I gotta pee

Kidneys failing
Hips are ailing
Can’t even seem
   to grip the railing

Ice pack
Sore back
Bacterial plaque
Heart attack

Incontinence
Incompetence
Always tense
Make no sense

Heat prostration
Malformation
Dehumanization
No consideration

Overweight
Intestate
Enlarged prostate
Can’t hardly urinate

Stale cologne
Handicap zone
All alone
Kids don’t phone

Examination
Molestation
All stopped up
  no defecation

Failure to thrive
Won’t let me drive
Barely alive
Please don’t revive

Long-term care
Greedy heir
Careful, beware
   watch the stair

Penalized
Chastised
Criticized
Fossilized

Slow talker
Conned by a hawker
Can’t get around
   without my walker

Doctor’s notes
Sore throats
Boiled oats
Moth-eaten coats

Deterioration
Dehydration
Stingy ration
Emaciation

Foot rot
Blood clot
Suspicious spot
Funeral plot

Terrible gout
All pooped out
Mill about
Day in, day out

Blank stares
Wheel chairs
Ingrown hairs
Ignored prayers

Cold cuts
Rancid nuts
Bloated guts
Saggy butts

Had a stroke
Won’t let me smoke
Life’s a joke
About to croak

Phlebotomized
Catheterized
Immobilized
Half paralyzed

Ulceration
Inflammation
Exacerbation
Resuscitation

Captivity
Morbidity
Inactivity
Insensitivity

Irritation
Frustration
Sedation
Prefer cremation

Sore knee
COPD
No guarantee
No hope for me

Car crashes
Hot flashes
Itchy rashes
Skin like ashes

Notarize
Authorize
Guess I better
  plan my demise

Isolation
Confiscation
Discrimination
Bad situation

Widowed wives
Itchy hives
No sex drives
Pointless lives

Another abscess
One hot mess
Too much stress
Can’t convalesce

EKG
OCD
AARP
Daytime TV

Nasty bacterium
Terminal delirium
Crematorium?
No, just bury ‘m

Dandruff
Lost my stuff
Necrotic slough
Dying is tough

Exudations
Encrustations
Dislocations
Complications

Herniation
Cannulation
An absolute
  desecration!

Brown spots
Stomach in knots
Got the trots
Need more shots

Gall stones
Brittle bones
Old crones
No hormones

Cancerous mass
Shriveled ass
Intestinal gas
No class

Living in the shed
Wet the bed
Trouble ahead
Better off dead

Feeling morose
Another overdose
Almost comatose
“Goodbye—Adios”